I think I have come up with the perfect solution. I am going to take a page out of the kids book and ask for it five thousand times until Wizz has no option except to relent. It's perfect. I started the campaign yesterday, here is a little snippet of how I have been implementing my plan thus far:

Wizz: "Hey babe, do you want me to grab Jax from the bus?"

Me: "Yeah, thanks. Oh and buy me that bag I want while you are at it. Thanks."

Wizz: "What time do you have to leave tonight?"

Me: "Well since you want me to go buy myself that bag, I need to leave around 5 pm."

Me: "Can you grab a few things on your way home?"

Wizz: "Sure, what do you need?"

Me: "Fresh rosemary, lemons, 2% milk, and that new bag I emailed you. Just pop over to the mall for that."

I have high hopes for this plan. Kids are really successful with it, so I think I can harness some of their power and get what I want.

In case you are reading this Wizzy, take a look at this link: and remember I love you

Hugs and kisses,

M. 

Men notice big boobs; girls they think are checking them out (note: they are not checking you out, you knobs); fast, expensive cars and what time the golf is on. That is it.  How they can shave everyday and NOT notice their nose hair is beyond me, but their stupidity is not what this blog is about. It's about how it has become our job to tell them it's there and that it is not okay. It's actually grounds for divorce if they do not clean up their act.

YES.

YOU.

Tell him.

Go do it right now, I'll wait for you.

Another major issue I have, maybe because I'm a picker (yes, I troll my face in a magnifying mirror every now and then. How else am I going to know that I need laser on my chin?) is big black heads. A friend of mine has one so big on his cheek it looks like a peppercorn. Argh, I feel sick thinking about it. It's my goal this week to tell him, no one else in my family is going to do it, so I have no choice.  I have been pre-occupied with it actually, I'm wondering if the pore will return to its original size?

I feel like ear hair is obvious, however, I see this a lot too.  I guess what irks me the most about men and their body hair, is that the man doesn't look bad, just stupid, but the woman he is with, she knows it is there and is trying (impossible) to ignore it. She looks bad and a bit desperate. As soon as I see a dude with some nose hair, I think, "why hasn't his girlfriend told him to trim that shit?" 

I know it's a double standard. If I walk around with a hairy chin, or mustache (both of which I have lasered, NEVER wax. EVER) you think anyone who notices would blame my husband for not highlighting it? Nope. I know his lack of attention to detail is his problem, however, I can't help myself, I think we need to rid the world of nose-bush.

    So who's with me? Lets do this. If you see a man today with some crazy hair growth do the honorable thing, point and stare until he is shamed into trimming.

Cheers, cheers

L

When I told the kids we were doing a cooking class they were jazzed. They have been asking more and more to help out in the kitchen (urggh). Not only were they going to be cooking, but they would also get to meet some farmers from Farmers Feed Cities and learn about where our food comes from; a win win!

When we arrived the chef got right into making parsnip pancakes. Billie said she wanted to help, but ended up acting two and put her fingers in her mouth instead.

The kids got to mill flour which seemed to be their most favourite part of the experience. Here is Billie with ol'Wizzy taking her turn:

Along with the parsnip pancakes the kids made frittatas and breadsticks. What I thought was cool was how willingly the kids tried each dish.  If I put a parsnip pancake on their plate at home they would look at me like "mom wtf?!".

Look at us all concentrating, we were all really listening:

Jax really enjoyed the experience, he told me "don't worry mom, I'll make dinner tonight". I know Stella got a turn at cracking eggs, I can just see her scrambling eggs all over Leigh's kitchen floor.

If you live in the GTA and are looking for something different to do with your kids you should check it out, plus Denise the owner is super nice. www.petitschefsacademy.com

Have a great week.

M.

If only you had not locked your keys in the trunk.  Don't beat yourself up, we can try again next week. I love nothing more than at dinnertime, having to pile them all in the car and drop your keys off. I'm buying you a CAA membership, that way, the next time you do something like this I do not have to be involved.

Now that I think of it, there is one more thing: when you do laundry, the soap gets poured into the main tub, OVER THE CLOTHES.  Not in the little triangle that says BLEACH.  And you think staying at home is easy. It's a jungle out there babe.  Actually, I've got to run, the girls are wanting to do "craft time"  with mommy, and I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Always your loving wife,

L

Last night I ran into the grocery store and I saw a number of men with hot-pink, heart-shaped boxes under their arms while they contemplated which bouquet of flowers to buy.  They were there not because they felt a desire to do something nice for their partner, but because if they didn't do/get something they would "be in shit".  I just can't be a part of that. Celebrating Valentine's Day would be like trying to make-out to a Spice Girls song.  It is shallow, forced and uncomfortable at times.

Two did not become one. I'm not picking up what they're putting down.

Now, lets say for the purpose of this discussion it's April 23 and you arrive home from work to an empty house.  As you head upstairs you find a new outfit on your bed with a post-it note reading, "get dressed" and yes there are accessories too. On the bedside table is lovely glass of wine. You take a sip and relish in its seductive flavours.  Just as you are beginning to wonder what is going on, your phone rings, it is your partner, he will be there in two minutes.  He arrives, and instead of saying thank you, you ask "where are the children"? "What is going on"? "SHHHHH, I got it", he says in LL Cool J's voice.  You head to the car and drive to a lovely little restaurant where you enjoy a wonderful, slow-paced meal. Upon returning home, you find the kids asleep in their beds and take a relaxing bath. Boom. That is powerful. Full of soul and sincerety; whole-heartedly executed and you are feeling it. You are feeling him. If the evening had a theme song it would be by D'Angelo or Ray Lamontagne.

Listen to it, this is the vibe you want, not O Town.

Now, if 365 days pass and NOTHING happens (ahem, Wizz), then you are well within your rights to go out and give yourself a romantic evening. But please stop the Valentines insanity. Let the kids aged five through fifteen have it.

M. 

Enjoy.

I don't want to get too heavy-duty on you this morning, but I saw this on pinterest and had to share.  Most of us spend too much time thinking about what we don't like, what we don't have, what makes us mad/annoyed/frustrated, rather than thinking about all goodness. 

So I wanted to send you into the weekend feeling grateful and appreciative. I hope it's a good one!

image via pinterest 

Cheers,

M.

Luckily, you had the presence of mind to call me. I quickly informed you that besides being a gigantic idiot you are also highly gullible. I also mentioned that you had probably just given money to a bunch of teenagers who were now smoking bongs and playing videos because they duped a foreigner.  I knew as soon as you hung up that you would be trying to undo what you had just done.

Your stupidity was made worse by the fact that Meg was sitting beside me; laughing so hard she peed a little bit in her pants. She thought your call was a joke. Nope. No joke. You gaveyour credit card to "Microsoft" over the phone!

Look Ferris, I know I didn't grow up in arguably the most dangerous country in the world like you did, and I know I do not lock the house or car like I should. However, when some miscreant called me a few weeks ago and said my computer was corrupt I told them I was reporting them to the Better Business Bureau (look it up babe). Try this next time.

I have no choice but to distance myself from you. I am officially changing back to my maiden name. From now on,  I am Leigh Marshall.

Always your loving and very smart wife,

L

P.S. Thanks for letting me sleep in the next day and making me breakfast.

P.P.S. You are still an idiot.

You're a total boob.