Dear Husband

This has been such a great week for you; you didn't fall for any phone scams, all the garbage got out (except for the one in the basement, but that's ok the kids can tip it over and I will clean it up), you got up with the kids mid-week, all-in-all quite a stellar performance.

If only you had not locked your keys in the trunk.  Don't beat yourself up, we can try again next week. I love nothing more than at dinnertime, having to pile them all in the car and drop your keys off. I'm buying you a CAA membership, that way, the next time you do something like this I do not have to be involved.

Now that I think of it, there is one more thing: when you do laundry, the soap gets poured into the main tub, OVER THE CLOTHES.  Not in the little triangle that says BLEACH.  And you think staying at home is easy. It's a jungle out there babe.  Actually, I've got to run, the girls are wanting to do "craft time"  with mommy, and I wouldn't miss that for the world.

Always your loving wife,

L

Dear Husband,

I thought we had covered everything. That was until "Microsoft" called the house saying your computer had been compromised and you gave them money.  This is what I call a SCAM, smarty pants. I know we do important work at our house; it seems completely reasonable that Bill Gates would mandate his company to randomly call-on some Canadians that live in suburbia and say "your computer has been sending us error messages, we can fix this for a small fee".

Luckily, you had the presence of mind to call me. I quickly informed you that besides being a gigantic idiot you are also highly gullible. I also mentioned that you had probably just given money to a bunch of teenagers who were now smoking bongs and playing videos because they duped a foreigner.  I knew as soon as you hung up that you would be trying to undo what you had just done.

Your stupidity was made worse by the fact that Meg was sitting beside me; laughing so hard she peed a little bit in her pants. She thought your call was a joke. Nope. No joke. You gaveyour credit card to "Microsoft" over the phone!

Look Ferris, I know I didn't grow up in arguably the most dangerous country in the world like you did, and I know I do not lock the house or car like I should. However, when some miscreant called me a few weeks ago and said my computer was corrupt I told them I was reporting them to the Better Business Bureau (look it up babe). Try this next time.

I have no choice but to distance myself from you. I am officially changing back to my maiden name. From now on,  I am Leigh Marshall.

Always your loving and very smart wife,

L

P.S. Thanks for letting me sleep in the next day and making me breakfast.

P.P.S. You are still an idiot.

You're a total boob.

Dear Husband,

What a week you've had! My oh my. All that working-out has affected your brain I think.  It is that or you're just an all-out testicle.  I want to again (it's no trouble really, I like putting basic, fundamental, logical thoughts on paper for you) remind you that you have three girls. Our oldest daughter, let's call her Malone is four-and-a-half. You have been a father for that long.

Can you imagine my surprise then, as I'm out shopping for organizational items with Meg (the queen of clean) you call and ask, quite rudely I'll add, "what should Freya eat for dinner?" I realize you were at my mother's house and it would have been incredibly awkward to ask her for some food for her granddaughter.  Besides, how are you to even know what she could eat? Again, this is only your third time around, I understand how confusing that must have been for you. 

To clear things up, here is a list of some of her favourites:

Cheerios, goldfish, avo, cucumber, peaches, strawberries, cheese (she really likes this!), pasta (another winner-but you have to boil water, maybe forget this suggestion), yogurt (peel the lid off), toast with peanut butter, broccoli (cooked, again maybe a little advanced),  and lastly canned salmon.

I think the next time I go out, I will forget my phone (like you do, that way we can avoid more of these stupid conversations). Also, when you ask me "what are you doing?", I will reply: "golfing".

Whew. Got a lot off my chest this morning.

Always your loving wife,

L

I don't even know who's child this is.

Dear Husband,

I can't  believe a whole week has gone by since I last wrote to you.  I wasn't going to write you again but this past weeks' actions left me no choice. I'm the first to admit my shortcomings, which are many. However, I'm not writing about myself, it's about you.

Winter is upon us, which means it's cold outside. I purchased coats, boot, hats and mittens for our girls (you should know, I used your money). These items are worn during the winter months.  Simply put, whenever the girls go outside, or to school they need to be wearing these items. For example, on Thursday when I took Malone to the dentist and you took Stella to school that was a great time for her to be wearing the abovementioned. Now, I know she wore her boots because when I picked her up  she still had them on, the teacher pointed out that she didn't have any shoes in her backpack (check the backpack Ferris BEFORE you take her). Additionally, when I went to put on her hat and mitts, there were none to be found.

Also, don't be afraid to wipe your children's noses, I know it's gross, but I don't want them filling up on snot, I'd prefer they eat food.

Lastly, thank-you for leaving a pile of clothes by the bed, I love trying to figure out if they're clean or dirty-it's really fun smelling the armpits of your shirts. I've gotta run I am taking the girls to the park-I need to get them dressed in their winter attire, which includes HATS and MITTENS.

Always your loving wife,

L