Dear Husband,

What a week you've had! My oh my. All that working-out has affected your brain I think.  It is that or you're just an all-out testicle.  I want to again (it's no trouble really, I like putting basic, fundamental, logical thoughts on paper for you) remind you that you have three girls. Our oldest daughter, let's call her Malone is four-and-a-half. You have been a father for that long.

Can you imagine my surprise then, as I'm out shopping for organizational items with Meg (the queen of clean) you call and ask, quite rudely I'll add, "what should Freya eat for dinner?" I realize you were at my mother's house and it would have been incredibly awkward to ask her for some food for her granddaughter.  Besides, how are you to even know what she could eat? Again, this is only your third time around, I understand how confusing that must have been for you. 

To clear things up, here is a list of some of her favourites:

Cheerios, goldfish, avo, cucumber, peaches, strawberries, cheese (she really likes this!), pasta (another winner-but you have to boil water, maybe forget this suggestion), yogurt (peel the lid off), toast with peanut butter, broccoli (cooked, again maybe a little advanced),  and lastly canned salmon.

I think the next time I go out, I will forget my phone (like you do, that way we can avoid more of these stupid conversations). Also, when you ask me "what are you doing?", I will reply: "golfing".

Whew. Got a lot off my chest this morning.

Always your loving wife,

L

I don't even know who's child this is.

Freya 2012 sales pitch.

With the  new year, I decided to launch a new version of Freya.  Think of it like you would a grand re-opening of your favorite store or restaurant.   It's akin to  Mattel releasing the same Barbie again, again,  advertising it as "all new".  I am doing that with Freya.  All that has changed is my mind set. She hasn't changed, but that is irrelevant now, because with my new attitude, she is different.

I will even go so far as to say she is "new and improved". She sleeps longer and even says Mama when she is screaming in her crib. The all-new Freya  throws food, has tantrums and cries once she is buckled into her car seat-for the duration of the car trip (how neat!).  Also, the new Freya can not be fooled by baby toys, she only wants real cell phones, or sunglasses.  Even better, all Freya wants to do is pull other children's hair.  Freya loves pointing and screaming, nothing is more entertaining than watching Dylan and I run around as we try to figure out what she wants.

Freya is a seasoned wrestler too. She loves nothing more than sitting on her whiny two-and-a-half-year old sister, pulling her beloved "bali" from her hands.  Her best feature by far- she doesn't nap! She's always awake, there to entertain and annoy. She never runs out of batteries.

What's not to love? She sounds like a money maker to me.

I even know where my head is.

Cheers, cheers

L

Kai's Wrath

Well, Meg didn't feel the celebration should end with Kai's own birthday party, so she had a family affair last night. Meg spent the evening trying to get a decent picture of Kai; finally I stepped in and attempted to get a shot of him and Meg together: no dice. I then decided it was time for Kai and I to get photographed. Here's what the little f*cker did to me:

While I was being assaulted by a five-year-old, here's what my little peach was doing in the kitchen:

 

I've gotta go ice my eye.

Cheers, cheers

L 

Parenting School Update.

I'm alone. It's so quiet it's unnerving. I can hear the clock tick.  I'm trying to get some work done, but my brand-new Shark steam mop is beckoning to me pick me up.  Luckily, I can always resist the urge to clean (side note, the Shark steam mop is the best invention ever, I love that thing).

I've been attending kindergarten for parents with Ross and Meg, so far I've found it highly ineffective; Freya has rebuked napping altogether, even when I follow their "program".  I also don't like how Ross and Meg won't take anything I say into account.  If I say "oh, she likes to have milk before her nap" they come back with "no Leigh, if that's what you've been doing were going to do the opposite". Huh?  

What is also troubling, is Freya's newest hobby; kicking the shit out of Stella. Yesterday the two of them were brawling over a toy.  It got incredibly loud and ended with Stella crying, saying Freya hurt her, and Freya sitting with the toy smiling.  Meg was LAUGHING the whole time.  That's sadistic.  What is wrong with her? And why should I be attending parenting classes when she's allowing my daughters to wrestle for her own amusement? I can't rule-out that she didn't set it up. (I wasn't there at the inception of the wrestling I was busy making a healthy lunch for that wench).

I'm close to dropping out, but I'm desperate, and no one in my family is offering to take Freya for another round of sleep camp; my own mother doesn't even come over-she always goes to Meg's house-the house of least resistance I call it (I will tell that story another day).  Between Freya, parenting school, and being out-smarted by Jax, I'm feeling very dull mentally.

I'm going to put Ross and Meg on the spot and ask for a syllabus. I need to know what they have planned.

Cheers, cheers

L

Parenting School

Meg and Ross are bemused by my parenting, so much so that they think I need to go to parenting school. They haven't said much else about it to me, except that I am not ready for the full-day program.

Ross and Meg mentioned in their post about "Kindergarten for Parents" that when Freya is isolated, (away from me) she's a peach.  Well aren't all children like that? Meg had the nerve to suggest that not only is my house voodoo, but that I have voodoo powers over her bitchy-daughter Billie? Right.

I'm taking a quick break now to BOW. 

I would also like to thank Meghan for giving me so much credit.  The fact is everyone, Billie wants to be picked up constantly, walks around saying "what the heck" and "I'm coming for you" like Optimus Prime.  Meghan, I believe is perplexed by her behaviour and instead of parenting, she organizes her house and talks smack about my precious child Freylu (that's her new name, or just Lulu, I've rebooted her- but that's another day).

Look, apparently my other brother Jeff is in on this schooling thing too, I'm not sure how he's of any use; he won't clean poop off his daughter's bum.  I digress. I'm not afraid to say I need help. I need help. I do think that things between Lulu and I have improved dramatically; upon seeing me she only cries for a couple of minutes now, she even smiled at me this morning.

Cheers, cheers

L